Tim Elmore: Video Study - Session 3

Let Kids Struggle, Earn, and Grow

Overview

This segment walks through Parenting Mistakes 7–9: sheltering children from struggle, giving them unearned rewards, and praising the wrong qualities. Real-world stories—from U.S. classrooms to a theater competition and an eighth-grader’s iPod—show how over-protection breeds entitlement and fragile confidence. Practical corrections encourage parents to let children battle through difficulty, work and wait for what they want, and receive affirmation for effort instead of innate traits.

Main Points

Mistake 7 — We Won’t Let Our Kids Struggle or “Fight”

• “Fight” means sticking with hard tasks or challenges, not physical combat.
• Life’s strength comes from working through problems; a new “good parent” myth says kids should never struggle.
• Singapore Math comparison:
  • Illustration: In Singapore, perseverance and attitude are built into math lessons. Students work an hour or more on one problem; U.S. students quit after 37 seconds.
• Over-accommodation examples: some schools ban red ink to avoid harshness.

• “We’ve done a better job protecting than preparing.”

• Correction: when a child struggles, don’t remove the hardship—sit, listen, cry, pray, and guide them through it so resilience can form.

Mistake 8 — We Give Them What They Should Earn

• Constant hand-outs create entitlement in teens and young adults.
• Story: At a local theater arts competition every child received a gold medal merely for entering; additional medals and even trophies were for sale afterward.
  • Contrast: future bosses won’t applaud employees just for showing up.
• Story: Friend David bought an iPod for his son Nick, placed it on a high shelf, and required monthly payments over nine months. Nick ended grateful and learned to work and wait.
• Correction: stop short-circuiting the learning process; make children earn privileges and possessions.

Mistake 9 — We Praise the Wrong Things

• Dr. Carol Dweck’s Columbia University experiment:
  • Two groups of 10-year-olds took the same test.
  • Group 1 was told, “You must be smart.”
  • Group 2 was told, “You must have really tried hard.”
• Outcomes:
  • When offered a harder test, most “smart”-praised kids declined; nearly all “effort”-praised kids accepted.
  • On a repeat grade-level test, the “smart” group scored 30 % lower.
• Conclusion: praise of innate traits creates a fixed mindset; affirming effort, strategy, honesty, or attitude sparks growth.
• Correction: commend variables children control rather than static qualities like intelligence or beauty.

Key Truths

• Shielding children from difficulty stunts resilience; guided struggle strengthens it.
• Unearned rewards teach entitlement, while earning teaches responsibility and patience.
• Praise aimed at effort and strategy fosters a growth mindset; praise aimed at fixed traits undermines confidence.
• Preparation for adult life matters more than constant protection or instant happiness.
• Parents influence future work ethic and perseverance by the expectations they set today.

Response

• Allow your child to face age-appropriate difficulties before stepping in.
• Require work, saving, or service in exchange for desired items or privileges.
• Affirm persistence, honesty, creative problem-solving, and good attitudes whenever you see them.
• Resist cultural pressure to over-reward; choose preparation over protection.